LIFE ON THE ‘D’ LIST: DIVORCE

Psalm 51; John 4: 5-19

Sometimes men can be thoughtless and self-centered, while sometimes women can be shrewd and calculating. A story I told this month goes like this: A married man, on his fortieth wedding anniversary, had a few drinks and let his mouth run a bit too much. “Honey,” he said to his wife, “when I married you, you were a young and lean 25 year old beauty, and all I had was a one bedroom apartment, a sofa to sleep on, and a ten inch black and white TV set. Now look what I have provided for you! Now we have a $500,000 house, a $45,000 car, and a 60” high definition TV. But I’m now married to a gray haired 65 year old woman. I don’t think you’re holding up your part of the bargain.” To which his wife said unflinchingly, “Dear, I tell you what.” You go out and find yourself a young, lean, 25 year old beauty, and I’ll make sure you get back into a one bedroom apartment, with a sofa bed, and a 10 inch black and white TV.”

The stereotypes abound in our society of many divorced women who throw mud at their ex, and of divorced men who throw mud at their ex. In our country when 45 – 50 % of first marriages end in divorce, the divorce wars fray the nerves of all involved. Even children are known to get ulcers before the age of ten which doctors attribute to divorce related stress or to marital fighting. Children begin acting out as they start living by two sets of parental rules; often a parent who tries to win a child over to his or her side may lavish gifts and trips on their child without the usual steps of earning them. Youth can also feel rejected and afraid during turmoil, sending them at an early age into the arms of a boy or girl friend for comfort. To some people divorce is never right; for others, divorce was a Godsend; and still others let circumstances dictate the guidelines. Many Christians go to the Bible for answers about divorce. But going to a book written in a culture when a father chose who his son would marry, when a wife was literally bought and became the property of her husband, and in a culture that let men make the laws meant most laws favored men. In those days there was almost no circumstance, even with extra marital affairs, when a woman could have grounds for divorcing a man. On the other hand, if a married man seduced an unmarried woman, not only would the man not be charged with an infraction, but the woman might be stoned to death just for being complicit. So even though we have a God who is love and a God who is “the same yesterday, today, and forever” according to the book of Hebrews; we have a culture today that views God differently than the way B.C culture viewed God. Over the centuries, particularly recently, we have seen what some call “a progressive revelation” in the way we view God. We even see changes as we move from the Exodus Commandments, through the works of Jewish Kings and prophets, to the example of Jesus himself. Today let’s discover which part of the Bible speaks most clearly to you today.

First, let’s look at the words of the Ten Commandments; in particular, Exodus 20 verse 3. God says, “You shall have no other gods before me. Then in verse 14 God says, ‘You shall not commit adultery.” The doctoral paper I wrote in January was called: “Broken Trust: Using the Marriage Metaphor to Examine the First Commandment.” In it I argue, along with other researchers, that when the Lord God was giving the commandments to Israel, the Lord was treating Israel as his wife, and he was accepting the responsibilities of a husband of three millennia ago: that is, the Lord as husband in that day would promise Israel to never forsake her or choose another nation instead of her; to love her always, and to be her protector and provider. In return, Israel as the wife would agree to love the Lord and the Lord only, forsaking all others, and would follow the word of the Lord. Of course we know what happened. The Lord God kept his promises to Israel; he reminded her of that each time she forgot him—like when she worshipped other gods and when her love grew cold, he still stayed faithful. There are still people in our world today who have the Godly picture of fidelity as the picture for their marriage vows. They even do exclusivity much, much better than Israel did, cleaving only to one another and forsaking all others. There are wives here today who have been completely faithful and loving to their husbands; and there are husbands here today who have been the same way toward their wives. If there is joy and sharing instead of coercion and fear, how wonderful marriage can be. May God bless and keep you.

Second, as we move through the Biblical accounts we find some strange and sordid stories; some daughters had inappropriate relations with their father, townsmen molested one of their townswomen; a man of faith offered his own daughter to riotous men instead of giving them the male houseguest they wanted. The Biblical list can curl your hair with distaste. When people say “We need to get back to the Biblical principles of marriage” I wonder which ones they mean! Oh I really know they are probably thinking about Ephesians, and Colossians, and Genesis, but there is so much else there! For example, it was so important that the Messiah rise from the family line of David. Yes David was a chosen shepherd boy; and yes, David was a warrior King; but it was also David who used his influence to demand the illicit attention of a beautiful married woman named Bathsheba, to have inappropriate relations with her, and when he discovered that she was going to have a baby, he had her husband, Uriah, killed to cover it up. This man David, with all of his power, committed perhaps some of the most heinous sins in the Bible. There are people you know—perhaps some are here today—who have committed adultery either by enticement, or complicity, or ego, or out of control urges. As we say in our day, they had an affair. Many times the results are painful as a trusted relationship is breached. Those people may even have justified their actions in their minds. But if they are ever truly sorry, they may want to do what David did in such a way that he still got to be King. He still had consequences from God—he saw to it that David’s untainted son Solomon got to build and dedicate God’s temple instead of David. In addition, David lost a great deal of respect from those around him. But David also did what others have done too: he repented and asked for forgiveness. Psalm 51 that we sang responsively today was David’s guttural, anguishing act of repentance to God for his dreadful sins. It doesn’t include him asking Bathsheba for forgiveness, but certainly Jesus later included such actions in Matthew 5:23 when he said: “If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, ²⁴ leave your gift at the altar. Go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.” So David finally came to God, not, because guilt overwhelmed him, but because a prophet named Nathan exposed him. He named his sins. After encountering Nathan, David chose to ask for forgiveness to try to make his soul right with God. It is recorded in Psalm 51. So there are some here today who have broken their marriage vows; and there are those who have had them broken. May God guide and sustain you as you decide your future paths.

Finally, we get to a story in which Jesus is involved. If Jesus is really the Lord and Head of the Church, and the Church is his bride, we would do well to see and to assimilate this divine leadership. First, Jesus breaks the cultural barrier of his day by going into a forbidden neighborhood called Samaria. He knew there would be consequences but he went there anyway. How does the church break through cultural barriers, or are we too busy defending them? Who might we reach if we went where few had gone before, to neighborhoods or people who to this day we have left to fend for themselves? Second, Jesus acknowledges the Samaritan woman, two big leaps (acknowledging a Samaritan and a woman) that few if any other Jewish men would have done. He goes to that so called “unclean land” around noon. Most women came to community wells in the morning to draw water for the day, and to speak with one another briefly. Yet here he was there midday with one lone woman. (Some surmise she came then to avoid the ridicule of the other women.)In asking her for some water to drink, he knew it was a Samaritan well that had once been Jacob’s well. He asked her for water not to degrade her, but to ask her permission. And then Jesus does what Jesus always does in John: he talks about kingdom things—like living water—and this hearer, as usual, thinks he’s talking about earthly things—like having enough water for that moment. Having Jesus go through this little social dance at the well and breaking several rules to do it, the woman’s guard begins to lower. With Jesus’ suggestion that she go and get her husband and bring him, he gets the information out of her that he already knew: she has had five husbands and now she was living with another man. Today, what does the church do with people when we learn news like that? Do we offer any kind of support and care, or do we just give deflating gestures and comments of disapproval? Do Christians start judging divorced people in their minds, forgetting their shared state of brokenness? Do Christians shun one or both partners in a divorce as if, as Nathaniel Hawthorne suggested, they are wearing ‘a scarlet letter?” What does the church do about divorce? Too often we just let divorced people go into the world to figure out their brokenness on their own. And it is a shame. We are all so broken, and yet when people are most hurt, they get treated as if they are, well, Samaritans. Jesus treated Samaritans differently than others did! I think Jesus would ask the church to treat divorced people with more grace and support than perhaps has been in her nature over the centuries. Is it too much to offer support for people going through one of the most trying and hurtful times in their lives? Are the actions of that one man, or that one woman, so misguided that we as sinners have no words of hope or counsel for them as sinners too? Look what Jesus talked about with the woman at the well with all her baggage: he talked in hopeful terms about the Kingdom of God; about a day when Jews and Samaritans would be together. That was totally unheard of in his day. He asked questions for understanding but offered no judgment about the information he gained. And for those here today who have divorced and gone through the agonizing judgment, or the drying up of invitations by Christian brothers or sisters, or telephones that used to ring that now ring rarely, I say to you that I am sorry on behalf of the church and Lord I serve. I charge myself, and I charge each person here today, to look at others through the eyes of Jesus. Some are now afraid of marriage because of divorce; some have found that being single is now better for them; and some are just lonely. We, the bride of Christ, have the teaching of Christ to offer the world, and not the tainted teaching of judgmentalism. There is a world of broken people—those who break the Sabbath commandment, the coveting commandment, or the idolatry commandment—who hardly get a second glance from us. Together, we can give a better witness to broken people in our broken world. The church is not meant to be a hall for saints, as much as a hospital for sinners.

Jeffrey A. Sumner March 27, 2011